once again my heart is heavy..

when the music is loud and i can't find the words sometimes pictures can tell a story..
the summer is already flying by.  i have been quiet lately, writing less. but there are a million thoughts swirling in my head just getting them down on paper hasn't been easy.  a lot of what i have been doing lately involves shifting gears forcing myself to be positive and to see all the amazing things there are to see.  we live in such a busy world everyone is so bent on getting things done faster,  bigger, better.  lately tho, more often than i'd like to admit i have been reminded how fleeting this life is.  how blessed i am today to have what i have.  enjoy today.  decide to be happy today.
today we finally brought my brother joe to his final resting place.  i hope he looked down and knows how much he was loved, how much he is missed and how much everyone cared about him.

rip sweet love.

the sun was shining down on you...  we make a gift of our lives in simple ways, by being kind, being compassionate, paying attention and doing what we can in whatever time we have.  it's not what we do that really matters its how we do it.  the secret ingredient is love.

love sent, xoxo

and i still whisper thank you...

today is the first day of the second half of 2015.

we all start the new year with high hopes.  the mystery is...   you never know what will be in store.
this has been a very difficult half year.  i am a pretty upbeat person.  i like to think i am a half full kind of person but this year so far has been met with a lot of challenge.  i know this is part of life. part of growing up and knowing that with love comes heartbreak, with change comes challenge, and with death comes birth again.  sometimes you just get really tired.  sometimes you just get really sad. i bet if i went through the calendar all the days would equal out, there would be as many happy days as hard ones.  but some times the hard days feel so heavy.   there is so much beauty still -  and although i know this to be true you can still feel not so great. right now so many of my friends are really in the trenches. some of us have lost parents this year, or siblings, or children. some of them are fighting for their life some are going through divorce, or preparing to say goodbye to a friend, or trying to find the right nursing care for an elderly parent and so many other life altering things.

i know hardship can take us away from joy but i also know that it also brings us closer to love.

when i look around at my friends and all that we have gone and will go through i see things i couldn't have imagined. life brings us so much unpredictability. but i do see one thing - when we are in this transition time life seems to slow down, it feels weighted and long, but the learning speeds up.
we are forced to see what really matters, who really matters. make the emptiness a container for intense growth.
in times of transition it's normal to feel defeated so it's important to choose wisely. spend time with people you adore, surround yourself with optimistic people, people who really care about your well being.
i see my closest friends and their faces have been softened by tears and tiredness. we are far better to each other for what we have all been through.

 i feel so blessed to have this kind of friendship.

love sent, xo

sunday night...

sorry to say i am happy to see may come to an end.
this has sadly been a month of heartache.
here's to june.  wishing for a month of healing and cocktails in the country side, starting next weekend. i can hardly wait.

there are moments in life you treasure a bit extra.
moments that bring extra happiness.
goose bump moments.
wishing you some goose bump moments this coming week.

love these kids to the moon and back.  xoxo

love sent, xoxo

RIP Daisy...

The Last Battle

If it should be that I grow weak,
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done,
For this last battle cannot be won.

You will be sad, I understand;
Don't let your grief then stay your hand.
For this day more than all the rest,
Your love for me must stand the test.

We've had so many happy years -
What is to come can hold no fears.
You'd not want me to suffer so;
The time has come, so let me go.

Take me where my needs they'll tend
And please stay with me until the end.
Hold me firm and speak to me
Until my eyes no longer see.

I know in time that you will see
The kindness that you did for me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I've been saved.

Please do not grieve - it must be you
Who had this painful thing to do.
We've been so close, we two, these years -
Don't let your heart hold back its tears.

Her first day with us..  such a baby.

Growing up together

Saying goodbye...

Our hearts are broken... Sleep well, run free.  xoxo

communicating love...

i feel grateful for this family and all the unanswered prayers they represent.
tonight we talked and laughed and ate roasted corn and drank rose under the stars.
i can be drowning in grief and then i look around and remember how much i have still.
how very blessed i am. i remember you don't get that many opportunities to share this
kind of  closeness. everything feels different but i am so lucky to have this moment.
usually when there seems to be more bad news than good i gather the ones i love around me
and that changes everything.  everything stops in these moments and i can see all the world is full of beauty.  thanks to my amazing family and all the tenderness they radiate.

love sent, xoxo

say goodnight not goodbye...

you will never leave my heart behind...

i sit here numb.  i need to get moving.  i know i will but the suddenness of all that has happened is paralyzing me.  it would be easy to crawl back under the covers but i tried that already and here i am. i listen for my mom in the other room, praying that today she will find the strength to make it through this pain.

one day at a time.

it feels so empty and strange.  there was a time not so long ago that i knew a lot of things.  days like this remind me how much there is we don't know.  how any day we can be called upon to manage unexpected heartbreak and you are left to find a way through it.  there is really no escape from falling apart.  there is no way around grief only through it to the other side and that takes time.  we are trying to find some meaning in the pain we feel inside.   we are not alone, everyone suffers.  today we try to focus on healing.  the emptiness is hard.
when the physical presence of someone is gone forever it is important to remind ourselves that
they are still with us in memory, in heart, in all the beautiful times we shared together.

i write words and connect with people i might never meet.  my heart bounces around cyber space and sometimes i worry about that.  but we really are better together and writing helps me heal.


"i will see you in the light of a thousand suns,  i will hear you in the sound of the waves,  i will know you when i come as we all will come,  through the doors beyond the grave."   beth nielson chapman


love sent,
xo

heartbreak...

"we are all only fragile threads but what a tapestry we make"   jerry elliott

on this silent early morning in may, i look back on this past day and i can hardly believe what has happened.
i sit by this open window after this long winter and i can smell the lilacs just starting to bloom.
i know that summer will be here soon.
time is marching on, and the only constant thing is change itself.

when a call comes in before dawn you know it can never be good.  this morning i answered with trembling hands.
this is how these things happen don't they? we are going along doing whatever it is we do on an ordinary day and then news arrives that shatters everything.

my beloved brother joe is gone.  my heart is racing and my thoughts immediately turn to to my mom. how can i possibly call and tell her this terrible news?  she adored him.  only a mom can know the bond between a mother and child no matter what age.  there could be no greater loss than that of a child.  her son making his final journey before her is not how it is suppose to go.  it's hard to articulate feelings that are painful, raw and complicated.  calling to give this news when you are
1300 miles away is torture.

we wish so desperately for our loved ones to be happy, healthy and safe.  but sometimes that is not what life deals us.  but what choice do we have but to figure out how to accept it?  we are allowed on this earth all the wonderful moments of happy days but also with that the unexpected blows that bring us to our knees and make us want to hit the ground and weep.  one minute you are floating on a cloud and the next you are engulfed in a storm. that's the way life is.

i feel blessed that i have the family and friends that i do. the kind that will be there to do anything,
the circle of support is incredible.  i know that healing is possible because they make me believe in it.
i know that laughter and tears can share the same moment and that there is light even in the darkest
night. it's human to want answers and there will always be the why?  we will never have that answer.  we only have this moment and the hope for a better tomorrow.

we will find our way and joe's memory will live on in our hearts forever. we will remember all the kindness he showed others.  he never forgot a single birthday or occasion for any of us. he did so much for my mom.  his love was unconditional.  his heart was always in the right place.  he is now with my dad and his beloved dogs, louie and dillion.

there is so much grief in letting go.  it's such a strange sensation being a fifty something mother of three grown children yet at the same time i am a child again sitting in the back seat of my dad's car next to joe fighting for a window.  we are blessed that we have so many wonderful times to remember.

as todd said "he's not gone,  i will wrap myself up with his warm funny memories everyday"

i love you joe,  to the moon and back.  heaven is lucky to have someone like you.


rest well and be at peace. xoxo