Monday, May 25, 2015

communicating love...

i feel grateful for this family and all the unanswered prayers they represent.
tonight we talked and laughed and ate roasted corn and drank rose under the stars.
i can be drowning in grief and then i look around and remember how much i have still.
how very blessed i am. i remember you don't get that many opportunities to share this
kind of  closeness. everything feels different but i am so lucky to have this moment.
usually when there seems to be more bad news than good i gather the ones i love around me
and that really helps me.  everything stops in these moments and i can see all the world is full of beauty.  thanks to my amazing family and all the tenderness they radiate.


love sent, xoxo

Friday, May 22, 2015

there is always beauty...

i am forcing myself forward but everything in me feels like it wants to go back to the past.
my heart is gripping the edge of change, worried about the future.  will my mom be ok? will we all feel peace eventually?  did we do enough?
you think you know how you might feel but knowing loss in your mind isn't the same as feeling such a loss in your heart.
there is more than one path toward healing and no right way to recover or to grieve. 
i think this weekend will be filled with food, books and flowers. things that fill my soul.

this sweet image graced my front yard this morning reminding me that life goes on.


wishing you all a peaceful weekend..

love sent, xo



Sunday, May 17, 2015

say goodnight not goodbye...

you will never leave my heart behind...

i sit here numb.  i need to get moving.  i know i will but the suddenness of all that has happened is paralyzing me.  it would be easy to crawl back under the covers but i tried that already and here i am. i listen for my mom in the other room, praying that today she will find the strength to make it through this pain.

one day at a time.

it feels so empty and strange.  there was a time not so long ago that i knew a lot of things.  days like this remind me how much there is we don't know.  how any day we can be called upon to manage unexpected heartbreak and you are left to find a way through it.  there is really no escape from falling apart.  there is no way around grief only through it to the other side and that takes time.  we are trying to find some meaning in the pain we feel inside.   we are not alone, everyone suffers.  today we try to focus on healing.  the emptiness is hard.
when the physical presence of someone is gone forever it is important to remind ourselves that
they are still with us in memory, in heart, in all the beautiful times we shared together.

i write words and connect with people i might never meet.  my heart bounces around cyber space and sometimes i worry about that.  but we really are better together and writing helps me heal.


"i will see you in the light of a thousand suns,  i will hear you in the sound of the waves,  i will know you when i come as we all will come,  through the doors beyond the grave."   beth nielson chapman


love sent,
xo

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

heartbreak...

"we are all only fragile threads but what a tapestry we make"   jerry elliott

on this silent early morning in may, i look back on this past day and i can hardly believe what has happened.
i sit by this open window after this long winter and i can smell the lilacs just starting to bloom.
i know that summer will be here soon.
time is marching on, and the only constant thing is change itself.

when a call comes in before dawn you know it can never be good.  this morning i answered with trembling hands.
this is how these things happen don't they? we are going along doing whatever it is we do on an ordinary day and then news arrives that shatters everything.

my beloved brother joe is gone.  my heart is racing and my thoughts immediately turn to to my mom. how can i possibly call and tell her this terrible news?  she adored him.  only a mom can know the bond between a mother and child no matter what age.  there could be no greater loss than that of a child.  her son making his final journey before her is not how it is suppose to go.  it's hard to articulate feelings that are painful, raw and complicated.  calling to give this news when you are
1300 miles away is torture.

we wish so desperately for our loved ones to be happy, healthy and safe.  but sometimes that is not what life deals us.  but what choice do we have but to figure out how to accept it?  we are allowed on this earth all the wonderful moments of happy days but also with that the unexpected blows that bring us to our knees and make us want to hit the ground and weep.  one minute you are floating on a cloud and the next you are engulfed in a storm. that's the way life is.

i feel blessed that i have the family and friends that i do. the kind that will be there to do anything,
the circle of support is incredible.  i know that healing is possible because they make me believe in it.
i know that laughter and tears can share the same moment and that there is light even in the darkest
night. it's human to want answers and there will always be the why?  we will never have that answer.  we only have this moment and the hope for a better tomorrow.

we will find our way and joe's memory will live on in our hearts forever. we will remember all the kindness he showed others.  he never forgot a single birthday or occasion for any of us. he did so much for my mom.  his love was unconditional.  his heart was always in the right place.  he is now with my dad and his beloved dogs, louie and dillion.

there is so much grief in letting go.  it's such a strange sensation being a fifty something mother of three grown children yet at the same time i am a child again sitting in the back seat of my dad's car next to joe fighting for a window.  we are blessed that we have so many wonderful times to remember.

as todd said "he's not gone,  i will wrap myself up with his warm funny memories everyday"



i love you joe,  to the moon and back.  heaven is lucky to have someone like you.


rest well and be at peace. xoxo


Saturday, May 9, 2015

happy saturday

a month has already gone by since i last posted.

my last post was a goodbye.  that was a hard day.  

there are times when the actual experience of leaving something makes you wish desperately that you could stay,  
and then there are times when the leaving reminds you a hundred times over why exactly you had to leave in the first place.
this past month has been a blur of busyness. lots of changes but in  a really good way.   
i had some reservations about making the "big move"  but all of my fears have been unfounded.
after ten years you form lots of habits in your day to day at a job, the comfort level is a big draw.
when we change our habits we change our lives.  change can push us, pull us and remake us.
shaking all of that up is a bit scary but we all need satisfying work and a sense of accomplishment
- a feeling that you are making a contribution that matters.
no matter what we do,  we all have something unique to offer, whether you are 20 or 90 so give it your best shot. 

of course i miss my friends and daily chats but this new adventure is a challenge and a song of comfort.  a new adventure always involves taking a risk and a leap of faith.  i find more and more as time moves on the things i really need to make me happy are limited in scope. a  quiet saturday morning after a long busy week and time around the table with my family are two things that really sustain me.  not that work is secondary but you can feel frantically busy and also feel that you are not spending enough time on what really matters.  
all of us have to stop and re-evaluate that from time to time.  for a happier life it's important to create an atmosphere of growth.  perfection is not what we need,  just making each day your best day is really all that matters.  it's what we all want but it can so easily get missed.

so just for today notice the sparkle in the everyday moments.

a hug
the smell of fresh cut grass after such a long winter
a txt from someone you love
that first morning coffee
a long walk to clear your head.

today is the best time to begin whatever it is that will make you happier.


love sent, xo


Saturday, April 11, 2015

goodbyes are hard...

"i have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start,  with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning". - joseph priestly.

this has been a super emotional week for sure.  a few weeks ago i resigned my job of 10 years to take on a new opportunity.   it's not often that you make such a big change in your life.  well, at least not often for me.  
there was a lot to consider but in the end it was the right decision.  i have mixed feelings of course but if we never take a leap we never know what lies ahead.  
i am trying to enjoy all the kind gestures from both sides as i move forward into this new adventure.
this week has been filled with dinners and lunches beautiful flowers, gorgeous gifts, so many kind sentiments 
(ones that make me cry) and i am really not a crier.... i got home last week and there was a beautiful fruit and cheese 
basket welcoming me to my new company. all the kindness is honestly amazing.  i can't thank everyone enough.

as i packed my office yesterday,  well, it took more than yesterday...and it took more than me. (thanks Maria for everything)
the memories were all laid out.  i had pictures and emails tucked aside from years past and it reminded me just how much really happens in 10 years.  everything i saw brought back a memory.  had i been grateful enough? nothing lasts forever but i could not have anticipated the speed at which the years flew by.  it's so important to pause now and then and take a look at where we have been.  it's time for me to move forward with a full heart and gratitude for all i have been given.  my goal is always to embrace the joys, the pain, the conflicts,  and all that is part of the human trip.

10 years is a long time.  
when i started this job my youngest was in middle school - she is graduated from college now.
my dad was still alive.  my hair was a different color.  clearly my face had a different map to it.  all the floors in my house were carpeted not hard wood.  i had different neighbors. my friends were all healthy.  i had never been to europe. i was 10 pounds lighter. my house had a formal dining room. in 10 years  8 new little people joined our extended family.  2 of my favorite people still lived  in the state.   facebook was new and there was no instagram.  
and a million other events.  

lastly,  i had yet to meet some amazing people that would change my life in the best way.  xxoo

here's to new beginnings and all that is to come.  these are the discoveries we get to make with the moments we have been given.  



love sent, xo


Monday, April 6, 2015