heartbreak...

"we are all only fragile threads but what a tapestry we make"   jerry elliott

on this silent early morning in may, i look back on this past day and i can hardly believe what has happened.
i sit by this open window after this long winter and i can smell the lilacs just starting to bloom.
i know that summer will be here soon.
time is marching on, and the only constant thing is change itself.

when a call comes in before dawn you know it can never be good.  this morning i answered with trembling hands.
this is how these things happen don't they? we are going along doing whatever it is we do on an ordinary day and then news arrives that shatters everything.

my beloved brother joe is gone.  my heart is racing and my thoughts immediately turn to to my mom. how can i possibly call and tell her this terrible news?  she adored him.  only a mom can know the bond between a mother and child no matter what age.  there could be no greater loss than that of a child.  her son making his final journey before her is not how it is suppose to go.  it's hard to articulate feelings that are painful, raw and complicated.  calling to give this news when you are
1300 miles away is torture.

we wish so desperately for our loved ones to be happy, healthy and safe.  but sometimes that is not what life deals us.  but what choice do we have but to figure out how to accept it?  we are allowed on this earth all the wonderful moments of happy days but also with that the unexpected blows that bring us to our knees and make us want to hit the ground and weep.  one minute you are floating on a cloud and the next you are engulfed in a storm. that's the way life is.

i feel blessed that i have the family and friends that i do. the kind that will be there to do anything,
the circle of support is incredible.  i know that healing is possible because they make me believe in it.
i know that laughter and tears can share the same moment and that there is light even in the darkest
night. it's human to want answers and there will always be the why?  we will never have that answer.  we only have this moment and the hope for a better tomorrow.

we will find our way and joe's memory will live on in our hearts forever. we will remember all the kindness he showed others.  he never forgot a single birthday or occasion for any of us. he did so much for my mom.  his love was unconditional.  his heart was always in the right place.  he is now with my dad and his beloved dogs, louie and dillion.

there is so much grief in letting go.  it's such a strange sensation being a fifty something mother of three grown children yet at the same time i am a child again sitting in the back seat of my dad's car next to joe fighting for a window.  we are blessed that we have so many wonderful times to remember.

as todd said "he's not gone,  i will wrap myself up with his warm funny memories everyday"

i love you joe,  to the moon and back.  heaven is lucky to have someone like you.


rest well and be at peace. xoxo