Wednesday, August 25, 2010

i'll cry if i want to...

a conversation i had with m in the car when she was 3 years old. she speaks from the silence of the backseat.

“i would never go anywhere without you.” i keep my hands on the wheel as my vision gets blurred for a moment from tears. “i know. me neither, babe. i would never go anywhere without you.” i promise.
i told her there is an invisible string that ties our hearts together when we are apart from those we love  no matter where they are.  and if you close your eyes really tight and think really hard you can almost feel the one you miss.

we make these promises to each other. promises that will go flat as soon as the sun rises tomorrow. when we each say goodbye and i watch her head off on this new adventure.

it's not new
happens every year
to those who bring their children to the 1st day of
or elementary school
or middle school
then it's off to high school and
before you know it
the car is packed
the hugs are given
the tears are flowing
the future is calling
a moment ago you were in my arms
what will i do now?
i've done this before, twice before
i should be a seasoned veteran by now
it is old news
the release of the young to the first time living away from home
but this time seems different, the last one.
this piece of my life is done
i  stood there today and felt quite awkward
standing there and really fighting back the tears
with a hand on her shoulder
not wanting to let her go
to the new important people in her life
i've told her all she needs to know
she is so confident
so ready
beautiful sparkling smile
i stood there and it was like i was struck mute -  a rarity for me
only able to motion it's ok
like hand signals in baseball or something
in such a brief moment
all those years of planning
all those years of teaching
all those years of mothering snapped away.

i have one silent prayer in my heart

"dear world, please be kind".

love sent,

to those you are with
and those you are missing.


Anonymous said...

You are such an amazaing lady, mom, love so BIG..


Anonymous said...

We are never done being's just a little different now xxoo

Moe said...

"You would cry, too, if it happened to you."

"Women are strong, terribly strong. We don't know how strong we are until we're pushing out babies"-Louise Edrich--and then sending them out into the world-MLC

"Making the decision to have a child-it's momentous. It is to decide FOREVER to have your heart go walking around outside your body."-Elizabeth Stone

Only someone who loves so much, can hurt so deeply.Hugs XO

Anonymous said...

we are all there connected to you with that string...holding your hand, sharing your pain but most of all..supporting you and your beautiful, smart, well adjusted daughter who will venture out into the world and make her mark..and make it a better place..xxoo