seasons

last night we went for a walk around the neighborhood.  we chatted with a few neighbors and i was reminded that soon everyone would again be locked up inside their houses for the cold days ahead.

fall is whispering around the edges of these summer days.  it's getting darker earlier and we even saw a cluster of orange leaves in a tree we walked past.  we are on the cusp of a new season.  fall is surely one of my most favorite times of year but i always find myself a bit anxious when things change.  even when it's a time that i know i love.

 

endings are not my specialty.  i can only attribute it to the way i am wired.  all the events in people's lives make them who they are.  part of who i am came early on in my adult life when my first marriage ended so abruptly.  that fall was concrete proof that i was not in control of my life. but, then again, who really is. you can't control other people or circumstances.  there is, in fact, very little in life that we really can control.  but events like these do shape us.  it took me ten years to get over that and it permanently ruptured my view on the life i assumed i would have.  it has effected my ability to feel secure ever since.  my perspective changed in those years and even tho i love fall immensely,  once i step into that season i am exposed and vulnerable.  i am reminded of heart ache and weakness.

of course there were many lessons learned in that time and many beautiful moments amidst the pain.
i learned it's best to let life happen, but sometimes, even now,  the big picture is more than i can carry.   you can work toward what you want but you can't let happiness depend on reaching all your goals no matter how big or small they are. much as i want to impose my desires and feelings on the universe, it keeps tilting along, with it's own logic and wisdom.   you have to make room for surprises and give yourself permission to change your mind.  there are things i will never know or understand but what i do know is my quality of life depends on my ability to be vulnerable, to forgive and to never regret loving someone.

i often wish i were the type of person who didn't feel so deeply.  who didn't hold on so tightly to
things.  but, i think this does happen when you love life.  you miss things when they are gone, even while loving what you have right now.

happy friday! 

love sent, xo