Tuesday, February 14, 2012

because love was meant to be shared...

in the spirit of the romantic holiday of valentine's day i am sharing some of my journey of love.  after all, life and love are a continuous journey.

i was 12 and i got a ring. really? yes, really and a stuffed poodle with a radio inside.  my mom was worried.  his mom said it's a fun thing. he was an only child and allowed to spend lavishly on anything that would make him happy.  he walked me home. i thought he was handsome and popular and his hair was the color of dark nights.  he said i had nice eyes. at that moment i think i graduated from childhood.  i had two older brothers that teased me endlessly. this was a boy that noticed me. that first kiss he planted on my cheek was filled with such innocence.  times were so simple then.

in tenth grade i transferred from an all girl high school to a coed one in the city. i had attended catholic school for 10 years. my eyes opened - wide. i think i fell instantly in love with the boy i would spend the next many years with.  he smiled the best smiles in the whole wide world. he was cute and funny and captain of the hockey team.  being my cheerleader self it was a match made in heaven.  we connected on so many levels.  i loved him with all my heart. we were inseparable for many years to follow. his family was my family. the good the bad and the ugly. there were football games, and hockey games and family gatherings. he encouraged me, he cared about me.  he had a big family just like me with lots of drama. and he had an edgy side - just enough to make him mysterious.  i wanted us to be forever. but there was always something that told me we wouldn't.  we went to proms, we went to weddings, we were a pair.  i had curfews and my parents were strict.  i couldn't always attend all the social events that he could.  then one night i heard the rumors, he had been down at a party making out with some else.  it hit me hard. i cried a river. he wrote me a big letter of apology and i tried to forgive him but my heart wasn't in it anymore. we kissed again, but everything had changed and i knew it was time to move on. 

after that i dated some guys.  one guy brought a guitar on a date and serenaded me to "tiny dancer."  he was so sweet and cute. but not edgy enough for me. i dated a guy that was 6' 9" i guess just to say i did.
i am 5' 1'  it was an awkward match at the least. i still remember my younger brother and sister sitting on the couch trying so hard not to laugh out loud.

then came along the love of my life.  i was 20 and i knew exactly what i wanted . i met paul on a beautiful spring sunday.    he hid behind a newspaper peeking over to decide if i would be his type. from the first date i was smitten beyond belief. totally enamored. he was a former football player, much older than me experienced in life and love. already divorced he surely knew at this point what he wanted this time around. he had a quick smile, he was very handsome,  and i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt he was for me.  forever. i fell so hard. i had a determined heart. i tried to convince myself to slow down but i was blind and he sparkled . he was epic and my family adored him. we married soon after and set up house. i was the happiest person on earth. from that marriage i was blessed with two beautiful boys. then one cold day he decided this wasn't the life he wanted .  i was devastated. i had no idea what to do. it was a dark, lonely and scary time. i wanted so bad to change into whatever he wanted but i just couldn't.  and he really didn't know what he wanted. well,  he sort of knew he wanted the girl in the cash office at the supermarket where he was the manager. for the months that followed i slumped around in depression. i could hardly forgive myself for this bad choice.. i couldn't eat or sleep.  i played whitney houston's song "all at once" on repeat for months and months. hearing those songs over and over this week may have even prompted this post.  but the heart goes on and i had two little people depending on me so i did what any mom would do, i put on a brave face got a job and moved on...

there were dates after that time that i could write a book in itself about.  it's pretty funny trying to date when you have two babies to take care of.  like,  -  you can't really do it.

then one day my sister insisted i attend a grammar school reunion at the catholic school we attended for 8 years.  i don't think so i responded. why? what else do you have going on? admittedly nothing. nada. so i reluctantly went. it was there i met t. he was someone i sort of knew a little through my sister but just to say hello. we talked, he was quiet, and sweet and funny. i loved that he was funny. i hadn't been laughing a lot at that time. i guess there wasn't a lot to laugh about. just before the reunion ended he asked if i would like to go out sometime. he confided later that he waited until the end in case i said no.  i wondered if he realized what it would be like to date someone with 2 small boys.  oh he did and  i would realize later he was cut out for this. but how would this law abiding, eagle scout fit into my complicated life? or worse my complicated personality? but from day one he intrigued me. he courted me, he adored me, he craved the family life and he was willing to do anything for us. he treated my boys better than i saw some dads treat their own children.  finding someone like t who was cute, smart, funny and ready to take on a ready made family was just too much for me to embrace. i panicked on more than once occasion and he backed off.  he was patient and kind and just deviant enough to know how to keep me.  people would say he is so good for you and i knew in my heart of hearts he would love me forever. without a doubt for the rest of my life. and of all the choices i have made in my life i know that this one was certainly the best...

all of our loves shape who we are.  i will never regret any emotion spent falling in love.

happy valentine's day.

love sent, xo

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

so lucky. so lucky.