on friendship...

honestly,  it has been a crazy couple of weeks.  i may never get back into the regular swing of things.
or ever get back to regular blogging. 
but i read a post in the past few days regarding friendship and it really struck a cord in me.  so i thought I would write my own observations.

i have always valued friendship.  i have most always been surrounded by an extensive circle of woman that i love.  because of this i've had an irrational sense of self confidence in my ability to keep all my friends forever. 
most of my entire life i have made and kept all of my friends.  i never really felt that it was any sort
of an accomplishment,  it was just always very important to me. when i got married and then had children my friendships increased.   there were more friends to be made through my children and even less time for ourselves but i always managed to keep everyone close to my heart. even if it was a quick dinner or a short email.  i am social so that was always the easy part.
i am even lucky enough to have a couple of special friends that have been part of my life forever.
we may not see each other all the time but we can pick up the phone in an instant and we can reconnect like we talked yesterday.  we have that connection that will be forever ours.

during this past year one of my very dearest friendships began to fray and finally snap.  one day i received a heart breaking email that stated i had not been the kind of friend she expected me to be and i had disappointed her on many occasions.  i was heart broken and so surprised as i had never known what signs i had missed or what i had done to hurt her.  i called to no avail,  i emailed her and begged for a time to get together and discuss her thoughts in person. i told her how important her friendship was to me, but she never replied.
i held on for as long as i could but it became clear that both of us were suffering -  perhaps from distance, disconnection, who knows what.  i guess even old friendships aren't immune to the ravages of time, changing values, children's issues, job changes, marriage changes and so on.
i reeled with sadness and hurt for a long time. i felt betrayed and a bit confused.  i poured through emails looking for something that would tell me where i went wrong.  i never found it.  i will never truly understand it.  but i can say this,  i have finally come to the realization that not all things are meant to last forever.  you can really be happy and lucky for the time you had.  you can remind yourself that sometimes qualities that are important to people when they are in their 20's aren't always the same things they value when they are in their 40's or 50's. 
i know i will always feel the loss,  but i have so many amazing friends, friends with such grace and kindness  that i know i must be doing something right.  we have neighbors that gather in each others yards to  have beers around a fire pit.  friends that make me laugh so hard i cry, friends that have moved away and we have never missed a beat.  friends that are fighting for their life and never stop  for a minute to feel sorry for themselves.  later tonight we will attend an engagement party to
toast one of the children of a group of friends that all met when our children were still in grade school. we have gone through so much together.  we will sit around and remember old times, talk about current times, share our stories and all of our love. it reminds me how very blessed i am. and that sounds like enough for me.

love sent, xo