today my heart hurts....

as i type these words there is silence in the house, other than the rain pounding on the window.  the wind is really strong and it's still dark. it's a cold rainy day, it matches how i feel.   
i don't need this day to remind me that my dad is no longer here.   but for some reason on certain days all the sad feelings come flooding back.  so many thoughts go through my mind.  i remember exactly what i was doing, who i was with,  and how surreal it all felt the day i got the call.   sometimes i wish i could feel less.  not a day goes by that i don't miss my dad.  i miss his emails, his voice, his great laugh and his endless knowledge on everything.   but as the years go by i find myself more and more grateful for everything he taught me. 
last night my family all ate dinner together,  a rarity these days.  a very unplanned surprise. i mentioned how happy i was to have everyone together. i am sure there were rolling eyes.  to my dad his family was everything, he taught us the work of learning to embrace imperfect lives and still see all the beauty.  he taught me:  there is nothing to wait for.  all we need, we have.

i love you dad.  

sometimes we all need to have a good cry.




"but every memory is turned over and over again, every word, however chance, written in the heart in the hopes that memory will fulfill itself."

i love you to the moon and back, xo