Thursday, November 11, 2010

i need a long sweater on this november day...

the clocks have been changed it's dark so early.

the leaf littered soggy streets from the past three days of rain are depressing me more than i already am.
i keep wanting to update my blog. it’s a place i come to evacuate my thoughts.
but i like it when my thoughts are happy. i really like to be happy.
i do my best everyday to find happiness and to be grateful.
today i am grateful that i have  people in my life that i can unpack some of this overflow
that is going on in my mind.
right now i have so many thoughts and memories crammed into my head.
they just need to spill out.
my eyelashes are wet but they are suffocated by my eyelids that are fiercely trying to
dam the oncoming flood.

i know..... deep breath.

i keep telling myself that it's ok to be sad, it's normal.
i was watching television and there was a guy surfing - he could barely keep upright
the waves kept knocking him over.
that’s what i feel like right now.
but i kept watching him and what he lacked in skill he made up in effort.
right now for me there are a lot of waves, im trying to keep everything in perspective.
the waves have a lot of faces and my heart is hurting…
my dads death... it's painful. i know grief runs strong when the love runs strong.
a family member making heartbreaking choices which affect everyone.
not what anyone needs right now.
my bff with a deadly disease - a person so brave and willing to fight it makes me sick
that she keeps getting knocked down. but she has real courage and as moe says
real courage is when you know you are licked before you begin but you begin anyway
and see it through. and you keep on fighting.  keep. on. fighting.   please.
i have a lot of internal turmoil.  i think that happens when you feel helpless.

sometimes life is hard. all this shifting feels deafening to me.
i am utterly preoccupied with it’s noise and pain.

but i remember that it’s love that changes trying times into bearable times and hard
moments into learning moments.

so right now the waves are strong and i'm not a good surfer but i know the
waters will be calm again… so i won’t quit surfing.

love sent, xo


Anonymous said...

Sorrow comes to all...Perfect relief is not possible except with time. You cannot now realize that you will ever feel better and yet you are sure to be happy again.
(Abraham Lincoln)
You will stay afloat!

Anonymous said...

friends=surfing teachers xxoo

cathycan said...

Haven't checked in for a couple of weeks, so was surprised to hear of all your heartbreaks, especially losing your dad. Your mom and dad were always so cute in photos you've shared.
I know there a lot of readers out there, like me, who are only distant "blog friends" but who are sending love your way, just the same.
It will get better.

Moe said...

"In a kingdom long ago there was a weaver who spun stories out of thread. One day an owl as white as winter perched in a nearby tree. "I should like my story to be woven out of clouds," said the owl.
"As you wish," said the weaver. The owl brought the woman strings of clouds as round as pearls, but every time she tried to weave them in and out, they would dissolve as quietly as dew upon the grass. The owl blinked his great eyes."Perhaps we should add some moonlight," he said, "the kind that shimmers on the water."
"As you wish," said the weaver. But though the owl brought baskets of jeweled moonbeams, worth more than the king's own crown, the story's cloth would not take shape.
"I do not understand," said the owl. "I have chosen beautiful things for the weaving of my story." "Ah," said the woman."But sometimes the cloth will pattern itself whether we will or no. You must bring everything, things chosen and things not." The owl flew over mountains and through valleys. He gathered jade, green as ginko leaves, and raspberries, red as blood. He flew past peaceful villages and countries ravaged by war, and when he returned will ALL things that he found, the weaver smiled. "These will do," she said. She took the things the owl had brought-threads of sunlight fine as silk and cobwebs gray as skulls-and wove them all together into a cloth. And when the owl pulled his story round him, it was so full of gladness AND woe, so beautiful and strong, that when he stretched out his new-made wings, people thought he was an angel hovering in a breathless sky." --V.G.

Remember: It takes a lot to make a "Beautiful Person." Have one of Elaine's candy bars for me!! Hope you know how much I cherish you. Hugs to all for me. XO