last night i couldn' t sleep...

i thought about how often we do something for the last time without ever knowing it.  last night my phone vibrated.  i looked over -  it was from christine.  i always answer christine's texts. she is my dearest friend. my bravest friend.   she said   "did you see the news"?  -   the terrible story about the car that went off lawrence road into the concord river"?   yes, yes i did see it, how horrible.  "that was my neighbor, she replied",  you know her, it's colleen".    we had been at christine's house together for parties and fun times.  i had held her grandchild and laughed with her in the summer sun.  my heart collapsed. the heaviness in my chest felt like lead, tears filled my eyes. how could this have happened?  the unavoidable truth of loss hangs around every moment of life.  we went over the circumstances, how could this have happened at 6:00 am on a perfect fall day on your way to work?
what went wrong?  the answers may never be known. i couldn't stop thinking about her all day, her family,  her last moments.  it is simply too painful for me look this moment in the eye.  doing so requires me to accept the loss inherent in every minute of life.
as we ride up the ferris wheel of life we are reminded we are not in control,  this serves as a powerful reminder to appreciate today.  pay attention to the planet we live in. a call to remind us tomorrow is not promised to anyone.  my heart goes out to richard and colleen's family.     

in these moments when i realize how short my days are, the challenge is to open my eyes to the radiance of all that is coming even as i mourn what is lost.  today, as we look forward to finding  spring again i will try to be as aware of welcoming the beginning as i am of grieving the end.

love sent, xo