say goodnight not goodbye...

you will never leave my heart behind...

i sit here numb.  i need to get moving.  i know i will but the suddenness of all that has happened is paralyzing me.  it would be easy to crawl back under the covers but i tried that already and here i am. i listen for my mom in the other room, praying that today she will find the strength to make it through this pain.

one day at a time.

it feels so empty and strange.  there was a time not so long ago that i knew a lot of things.  days like this remind me how much there is we don't know.  how any day we can be called upon to manage unexpected heartbreak and you are left to find a way through it.  there is really no escape from falling apart.  there is no way around grief only through it to the other side and that takes time.  we are trying to find some meaning in the pain we feel inside.   we are not alone, everyone suffers.  today we try to focus on healing.  the emptiness is hard.
when the physical presence of someone is gone forever it is important to remind ourselves that
they are still with us in memory, in heart, in all the beautiful times we shared together.

i write words and connect with people i might never meet.  my heart bounces around cyber space and sometimes i worry about that.  but we really are better together and writing helps me heal.


"i will see you in the light of a thousand suns,  i will hear you in the sound of the waves,  i will know you when i come as we all will come,  through the doors beyond the grave."   beth nielson chapman


love sent,
xo

we lean in we lean out...

the air has changed all around me. on the outside with the new season, which i have fully embraced and on the inside with the news that my partner in crime here at work is leaving. i am not sure i have really embraced this news. certainly,  a few things need  to settle into the cracks. the news hit hard.
i took mental notes, i took real ones. i might be a little quieter as the week ahead creeps in, i know it will be a tough one. i am not - and never have been good at goodbyes.
we were so close to a different ending.

life happens in phases. they can be marked by jobs, relationships, the birth of a child, diets, changing hair colors, everything and anything. i notice that no matter how calm or chaotic or hard or easy my life is at the moment - it is always in constant motion and every change happens for a reason.
we have worked together for nearly ten years side by side. i have spent more time with her than my own family. we have navigated some pretty crazy days. we have shared our feelings through changing CEO's. entire leadership teams,  divestitures, acquisition's, all kinds of personal changes - graduations, weddings, the births of her 4 grandchildren, divorce, death of parents, surgeries, heartbreak, job loses, retirement and so on. she is honest and dedicated and loyal. i will miss our every day chats and so much more.
soo much more.

for her, it's a huge step. i am sure there is fear and uncertainty but more importantly it is filled with so much possibility. an opportunity to redesign the fourth quarter of her working years and i couldn't be happier for her.

when you see boundaries as opportunities, the world becomes a limitless place. positive change must come from the inside out. as i have gained experience and wisdom i know that change highlights the importance of each moment, nothing lasts forever. at any moment we can reset the stage, it is never to late to reinvent ourselves. we alone have this power.

i wish you all the best my sweet friend. i have been so lucky to have been on this journey with you for so long. thanks for making many of my days just a little bit brighter.

so long for now.


love sent, xo

happy tuesday...

a few random things i have enjoyed this week.


i love this   rules for an inspirational kitchen.  i really love the shop small idea.  i always have way too many items in my refrigerator.

12 things every home should have      i love these ideas and i do light candles every night for dinner
but i didn't think of doing it for breakfast..

so delicious    and my obsession with hot chocolate continues.  last week i tried bitter hot chocolate with
chili and i really loved it.  a sweet chocolate drink with a kick.

oscar night is almost here    ideas i will most certainly be viewing.


looks very interesting   the food sounds amazing.


food photography    at it's best.

hope you are having a great start to your week.

love sent, xo

snow is magic..

to me, it really is.  i love nothing more than to sit in front of the fire place with snow softly falling
reading, writing and baking away the day.  i really settled in to the clear,  frost encrusted days.  i have
really loved being home and i haven't even minded the gray skies and fleeting daylight. sleeping in has been the norm. after all the craziness of christmas these past few days have been heavenly.
hope you enjoyed some down time too.

love sent, xo

why i write... how we feel and who we are matters...

i love words, and books and music.  sometimes i get caught up in an idea or a song or a character and
it travels right through me.

i always have lots of lists and ideas going.  often they are drizzled with lyrics from a song, or random phrases, quotes or book titles.
sometimes i have to stop what i am doing to jot down something i need to capture just at that moment. so i won't forget how that feels.

sometimes i might have a hard time saying what i really feel out loud.  but then when i do you should know that it has probably been rolling around my brain and my notebook forever.  sometimes i may seem spontaneous but it's usually something i have been thinking about for a long, long time.  my words are best when i can circulate them around in my head for a while.

i might send you a song or a quote it's my way of showing i care about you.  i might seem really outgoing but i really like my alone time.  it's necessary for my survival.  i love to share stories and sometimes i might go on and on especially before i fall asleep.

 i love to explore ideas and i am  curious about a lot of things.  i love my children fiercely,  they mean everything to me.  having passion in my life is as important as breathing.  i think it's important to build authentic relationships anything less is not worth it.  i like to write about that. i know the value of taking a risk,  i have made plenty of mistakes, but i know how to pick myself back up.

my heart is fragile and i know fear and sorrow and loss.  but i also know how to be strong and i realize how important it is to laugh at myself. 
i feel deeply, i am a very porous person.  i remember what it felt like when we ran through the leaves. i see your  face before we threw a coin into the fountain to make that wish, or how your eyes twinkled under the street lamp when nothing else mattered.  i hear snowflakes falling on a perfect winter night. documenting these things are my  way of continuing to feel them.  

sometimes my words will filter through the pages and fall into another story.

i write because life is fluid and every day i am made aware of how beautiful and scary this is.  but i want to start each day looking to learn something, create something, experience something, because this is what makes life worth living. 

i am sure about one thing - you can never be really sure about anything.

writing and music move through me and make my world better.

love sent, xo

never forget.

love sent, xo

to share...

i just had to share these few things today. 

this really made me laugh.- out loud.  — British writer Caitlin Moran in her hilarious
letter to her daughter


i just finished this book and i loved it.
perfect beach read


i have to make this
amazing dessert


such a beautiful post and ohh so true
on marriage

this is a must read
certainly gets you thinking

love this song
playing on repeat


happy hump day
love sent, xo

disrupt your every day routine...

the day ahead is already pressing on.  the clock is ticking past 6:30 am.   there is one more
tap on the alarm for 5 more minutes sleep.  i remind myself it's friday and tomorrow i get
to move slower.  tomorrow i can prop myself up against the pillows and savour my coffee and
start the day much less rushed.  maybe even allow myself enough time to refuel a bit.
i want  to make myself  more aware and more reflective. today i want to be  some one who can stop and enjoy the moment.
not always rushing to the next appointment or meeting or event.  there will always
be emails to catch up on and bills to pay and laundry to finish.  so maybe today on this very
ordinary day i will force myself to take all the time i want to examine each hour and find
something meaningful in each minute.  i'm committing today to only love, kindness and friendship.
not to racing around and complaining.   my mind can go in a thousand directions but on this day i
plan to walk in peace.

love sent, xo

every life has many stories...

the light turns richer and softer as the years pass. there are currents of feelings that run through all of us. there are the stories of people whole and flawed and full of love. the path they walked together as the world turns forward. "some waves die sideways and silent, miles from shore. not every wave gets to reach it's peak and high five the beach in celebration" (Steve Gamlin) but that doesn't make the wave any less powerful. days seem to accelerate each year but nostalgia can pull me in like an under tow. because of my emotional wiring all my experiences are tremendously rich but also bittersweet.

 


"some love stories aren't epic novels, some are short stories. but, that doesn't make them any less filled with love."


love sent, xo

on the cusp of change...

last night i had dinner with some friends.  we talked about families and the threads that hold people together. 
hugs were exchanged and we shared the progress of the past many months.  everyone has a story, a journey that all of us make through the years.  some years are easier than others.  there is plenty of struggle but also

ample beauty.  there will be storm clouds, bright sun, coming together, and falling apart.  some times we have to let go of what we thought it was going to be to embrace an uncertain future.  a new life whose contours are unfamiliar can be hard -  but also very rewarding.   sometimes we have to clear out what was beginning to fade to make room for something not yet in view.  respect your past but look forward to the future.   make new traditions, new dynamics, make room for each other - all the differences and all the silmilarities.  that is what makes a family.  some families are born and others are blended.  some by blood others by magic.  everything is connected. 

love sent, xo

simple thoughts...

sometimes my heart feels as if it's in a vice, this beautiful pain that i never knew existed before children.  all-emcompassing unconditional soul-filling love.  i have had children for a very long time now but it never ceases to amaze me how when they suffer i suffer too.
the past few days have been hard.  first, i should preface this by making sure everyone knows this is no
life threatening illness or tragedy.  it is however, about disappointment.  disappointment is all part of  day to day life.  sometimes life is unfair.  it's as simple as that.   but, when you know how hard someone has worked for something and it doesn't work out  - well, it hurts. big. painful. hurt.  but i believe (i have to) that this is a temporary stepping stone to something much better.  a time to clear out what just wasn't meant to be for something not yet visable. 

oh how sometimes i wish i could return to the days of sloppy kisses, hugged knees, dirty floors, and sand in the bottom of the bath tub.  a simpler time when hurt could be fixed with an ice cream.

love you to the moon and back,
xo

a few notes of what january looked like.

mom heading back to florida :(
roasted vegetables
wishing for snow (getting rain instead)
cardamon braided bread (the best)
cozy fires
dreamy new breakfast recipe.

football (playoffs)
thank you notes on fresh stationary
sweet new baby (welcome rhett)
cleaning closets
michael's famous pizza parties
filing the calendar
catching up with friends
morning coffee
new books
sipping drinks with red and white striped straws

what i am doing right now....

what inspires you?  i sit here going through hundreds of pinterest ideas, while my dh works diligently around the house on some mini projects i thought up today.
 we took a trip to ikea and bought a variety of random things to spruce up a variety of rooms. 
pinterest -  i love you for all the ideas i find. seriously,  you are so addicting.

i can't believe we are at the bottom of  january.  month one is already wrapping up. right now
sunday seems to be my most productive day.  today i cleaned the house, made a few calls,
paid a few bills, did some  photo edits, and cleared my  in box like lightening  delete. delete. delete.
today was sunny and bright and wonderful.  one of those days we won't soon forget.
a sort of  in between day.  it was productive and happy and memorable. after a long day of shopping we decided we needed to eat - which is always on the top of the agenda. after rambling through a whole list of restaurants, contemplating on staying home and cooking, toyed with the idea of riding to the beach,  we settled on a small local restaurant which worked out perfectly.
over a flickering candle we talked about the day. the food was great, conversation was good. i must say a great weekend it was.

simple. uneventful. real.

and remember no day ever ends if it makes a memory.



love sent, xo

sunsets...

it's january and  there isn't a snowflake in sight. it has been an incredibly mild winter. i would love
a blizzard or two but in the meantime i will embrace the warmth.    last night the sunset was incredible.
incredible.  it looked like melted popsicles in the sky.

love sent, xo

hi there...

happy new year.  make the little things a special occasion.  that is going to be my motto for 2012. how can it be 2012?  i am going to promise myself not to get caught up in the future - it happens regardless and if you worry about it to much it makes you miss the present.   i write here to capture some moments and feelings that would escape me otherwise.
i write most often at night while i should be sleeping.  but sometimes sleep escapes me.  sometimes i write in the early morning while sipping on warm vanilla coffee.   that is really my favorite time of day.
this is the time of year for new year's resolutions. do you make them?  do you break them?

i am not a resolution kind of girl.  i don't make them so i can't break them. 

a few years ago i made a new year's resolution to try more restaurants and honestly it
was the best resolution ever. i'm still doing it.

this year it will be along the same lines.   i decided to choose 12 things to work on for 2012 and i have the whole year to do it.

here goes:

1.    cook healthier meals.
2.    have more patience.
3.    be kind to strangers.
4.    have more dinner parties.
5.    take more walks.
6.    focus on the simple - less shopping -  less is more.
7.    blog better.
8.    buy more flowers.
9.    worry less.
10.  dream big.
11.  read more.
12.  embrace the moment.  everyday moments.

this is a new beginning -  again.  it's interesting,  beginnings and endings arrive unexpectedly.  i don't
have everything or anything figured out,  but then again who does...


love sent , xo

never regular....

life

life is where you are  -    by paul coleman

well i took my lady to the top of a mountain
we hung our feet over all creation
and we agreed that the sight was beautiful
and we agreed that tomorrow it'd be a memory
and as far as we could see was all that we could be
but the land had seen lovers come and go

life is where you are

she said think about the greatest day in your life
a day you were longing for the sun to rise
you said hey this is the life that i've been looking for
and you groaned as the shadows fell on the floor
and up on that mountain we saw our days
rise like a vapour and float away
life is where you are

think of all the times, think of all the times,
when you've dreamed of being somebody somewhere in another time
and you closed your eyes and been swallowed by sleep
and your secret desires they rise from the deep
you say i wish i was somebody someone else
'cause life looks real from where they are

life is where you are

we're all looking for security
it's the basic drug of human need
i've lost faith in things that fade
or things that get stolen or get taken away
and up on that mountain we saw our days
rise like a vapour and float away

life is where you are
talking about L I F E

positive words...

i don't think people realize how powerful words are for building a person up but also for chipping away at them, too.    i LOVE so many things about this book, but I especially love this list....

the thoughtful thirty

1. give encouragement
2. express thanks
3. acknowledge others
4. extend greetings
5. give a compliment
6. congratulate someone
7. teach, give instructions
8. offer words of comfort
9. inspire others
10. celebrate and cheer
11. inquire, express interest
12. mend relationships
13. make others laugh
14. show faith and trust
15. share good news
16. praise, honor, build up
17. express caring
18. show understanding and empathy
19. give approval
20. extend an invitation
21. show courtesy and respect
22. give advice and counsel
23. apologize
24. forgive
25. offer to help
26. tell the truth
27. point out the good
28. use terms of affection
29. provide valuable information
30. communicate love

remember kind words have the power to:

cheer us up when the world is getting us down
honor us for our achievements
cause us to laugh
restore our faith in the goodness of humanity
bolster our self image
inspire us to give our best
let us know someone cares
life our spirits
warm our hearts
improve our moods
heal our wounds
acknowledge our hard work
bring out the best in us
boost our confidence
support us in tough times
surprise us with joy in unexpected times
remind us about whats good and right in the world
uphold us during our darkest hour

you will find that every time you make someone feel good, you actually make yourself
feel better too.

love sent, xo

reading is everything... where are my glasses?

over the weekend i purchased a book, (i feel bad about my neck) by nora ephron - a book that promised to be funny, sad, thought provoking and had snippets regarding food. i didn’t need one more piece of info - i knew without a moments hesitation this book would be for me. in the process of purchasing the book i realized the author had also written when harry met sally, sleepless in seattle and more. at that point i knew for sure i wouldn’t just like the book i would LOVE it - and i did.

last night as i turned the last page it felt sad to say goodbye. it’s the type of book you don’t want to end. nora weaves her life stories so perfectly. i need to get this book to my girlfriends. while reading her amusing life stories it makes you want to become best friends with her. she is full of stories that make you laugh, she is passionate about living in nyc, and she justifies big purchases like her monthly rent. she talks about her divorces and she does remind you that whether you are famous or not so famous we are all in the same boat. she made me laugh when she said she buys reading glasses in bulk and puts them all over the house and still looses them. i was still smiling when i read "why would anyone write fiction when what actually happens is so much more amazing"? ( i couldn’t agree more).   while seemingly written for aging women to commiserate about the joys of getting older, it’s still completely enjoyable for a woman of a younger generation. she talks a lot about cooking which of course i love,  so, then,  that made me want to whip something up. she gives you inspiration. she is completely loveable; she is witty, sarcastic and even whiny at times, which makes her just like your real life friends. we had such a good time together she made me laugh, and then in her light hearted way,  she made me cry. she talked about death,  and how she lost her mom and her best friend.  she spoke of them in a way that made me miss them too. she gave a brief description of what losing a loved one can feel like. it made me swallow hard and pull the covers up farther to wrap myself in comfort. but then of course in the end, she left me smiling. but it ended all to soon. we have gone our separate ways now, but i know i will be back to flip through the pages and reread the funny lines and laugh out loud when no one is around.

thanks nora.

summer reading.....

i did a movie review so i thought for those of us who need a beach read or two i should also do a book review. that is if we ever get to the beach. i did not read all of these but the reviews are from a good source. it has been raining for more than 3 weeks - june has turned into july and i am still waiting for the rain to stop.


Love the One You're With by Emily Giffin
An easy read, but not as light-hearted as her others. I found this to be the most relateable (is that a word?) of her books. It's a bit cliche, but a good, interesting story. I'd call it a great beach read.

Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers
My favorite book so far this year. It deals with tough situations and has some hard moments but the story is incredibly beautiful. It's definitely a love story, but so far from the typical romantic novel that it shouldn't be classified as such. It's much more a story about growth, trust, and relationships.

**My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult
This was my first time reading one of her books and I loved it. I thought the plot twists were great and the writing was captivating. I had no interest in seeing the movie until I read the book, but I have the sense that the movie won't be able to do the book justice since it is such an intricately detailed novel.

Blessings by Anna Quindlen
This was one of those books where I hated certain outcomes but appreciated the reality of them that prevented the book from being cliche. What I really liked was the undercurrent of thoughts about what and who defines us and our roles. It's a story that is told really well and would be fantastic for book club reading.

**Pledged: The Secret Life of Sororities by Alexandra Robbins
I thought this was a really interesting read. While my own experience with sorority life differed a lot from this book, I still think it's worth reading. The author posed as a sorority member, so it reads as an expose and at times is fairly shocking. It definitely made me want to read more of her work, which is how I rate authors on my hot or not scale. Secrets Of The Tomb is on my to-read list.

** not my review.